I’ve been thinking about death 🌚

And it's been making me think about living

Dear Friends,

I’m not giving anything away when I tell you that the thing that sets Barbie off on an existential crisis is that she starts to think about death.

I’m usually too busy living to consider when and how I might die. So when our financial advisor recently asked us how long Iris and I each expected to live, it was the first time I had to practically plan for my death.¹ The end of the show. Nothing lasts forever. Our financial advisor wants to help us plan our finances from now until we die. And he wants us to plan for what would happen if we were to die earlier than expected.

Then I read a newsletter by my friend

Anna De La Cruz

who recommended the website Get Your Shit Together to take care of all of those things that most of us never think about.² The website was created by Chanel Reynolds after she was unprepared to deal with the aftermath of her husband’s death. He was a 43-year-old competitive cyclist who was struck by a van at a notoriously dangerous intersection in Seattle where I rode my bike most weekends when we lived there.

I did all the things on Chanel’s checklist. I signed the document saying that I don’t want to live if I can’t survive without being hooked up to machines. I clarified that I’m happy for my organs to be used in whatever way is helpful and that I’d like to be cremated. I updated the beneficiaries of our various accounts. I described my vision for my funeral. And I added legacy contacts to my Apple ID with instructions in my Apple Notes about what I would like them to do with my (insanely large archive of) digital files when I die.

I’m 43. I have less than a 0.3% chance of dying in the next year.³ It’s senseless for me to spend much time thinking about my own death … unless, of course, doing so makes me think more about how I want to spend my life between today and 2080 (when the magical website says I’m likely to die). And that’s exactly what happened.

By now, I know what makes me feel happy and fulfilled:

1. A trusting marriage with shared hobbies, values, stories, laughs, and physical attraction

2. Control over my own time and energy

3. Genuine, trusting friendships

4. Enjoying my hobbies without feeling rushed

5. Exploring new places and learning new things

6. Music, art, novels, culture

7. Fitness and good health

8. Creative flow states

9. Freedom from financial worry

It’s a fairly simple life. It’s a cup of coffee at the public library in the morning. It’s a bike ride or hike with my buddies in the woods. It’s a summer sunset picnic in the park with my sweetie. It’s easy!

And yet I can still fall victim to what Arthur Brooks calls “the four idols:” Money, fame, power, and short-term pleasure. Basically, status anxiety. I think I’m finally over it. And thinking about my eventual death helped.

So, too, did a handful of books and podcasts:

1. Die with Zero by Bill Perkins. The idea of a “fulfillment curve” — how much money you need to maximize your happiness — changed my outlook on life and finance.⁴

2. Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. Burkeman’s manifesto convinced me that productivity is a losing cause. No matter how productive you become, you just fill up your newly available time with more and more to get done until everything in life becomes “optimized productivity” and you forget what it’s like to simply live. Time is not something to exploit. It is how we decide to experience the world. (There is a lovely hour-long podcast version with Peter Attia.)

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear. (There’s no reason to read the whole book; you can listen to any podcast interview with Clear to get the main idea.) I think of this as the perfect companion to Four Thousand Weeks. For Clear, habits aren’t about being more productive so much as each habit is a small vote for the person you want to be. For me, that means more picnics in the park with my wife and less time in zombie mode on my cell phone.

Many thanks to Anna for pointing me to Get Your Shit Together and inspiring this week’s newsletter. And thanks to you for reading — this habit of writing a weekly newsletter has been a nice way to get into a creative flow state and it sparks some enjoyable conversations (at least for me) with friends old and new. I’d love to know if any of this resonates with you, and/or if you have related books or podcasts you’d recommend.

Have a lovely week,

David

1. Off the cuff, I responded 95, but a longevity calculator says I should expect to live to 100. They also say I should drink more if I want to live to 101!

2. A will, advanced healthcare directive, what to do with your digital footprint, instructions for your funeral, and who gets custody of your kids and pets.

3. It doesn’t go up to 1% until you’re 57 and it doesn’t even get to 10% until you’re 84! Interestingly, “unintentional injury” is the leading cause of Americans until they reach 44 and then it drops to number three after cancer and heart disease. Similarly, homicide is a top-5 cause of death until you’re 44 and then it drops off into irrelevance.

4. 70% of Americans probably aren’t saving enough for the lifestyle they’d like to have in retirement. But there are just as many Americans who will have enough money in retirement but don’t know how to feel fulfilled.